Midnight migraines, significantly creeping stir-craziness, and beaming boredom from the week reminded me of how much I enjoy spending time elsewhere. For some, working from home is ideal, for me, it’s an unpleasant dream. There’s something relaxing about being able to drive somewhere. I could quite possibly be on my own with this opinion, but I find it much harder to stay focused when I’m next to a couple of dirty dishes that could be done, the laundry that I could fold, and that allergy pill that I dropped yesterday that suddenly decided to show itself.
On the other hand, though I was getting about a fifth of my step count goal and admittedly wondered if I was going to “lose my gains” from not being able to drive to the gym, my body felt rested. I was able to get an adequate amount of sleep. Since there was not the mess of traffic I typically face going to and from work, I found myself devoting meaningful time to this blog and podcast. Working from home meant I skipped my quiet time with Jesus a lot less. I was able to read my Bible without feeling rushed. In a way, I got a slight taste of what my life could look like and I was not upset by it.
I live about 30 miles away from work, so you can imagine the commute. You all know how much I love building this blog and podcast, but often I feel rushed. I use my lunch break, the hour or two I have before work, and the weekend to do what needs to be done so that I can post. I love what I do with work and with this ministry, but I am left exhausted by the time I finish a blog post or hit the stop button on the camera. What would life look like if I worked somewhere closer? What could life look like if I had to leave engineering? I continually pray, “God, where you send me, I will go,” especially on the days when I do not feel like praying that. God, where shall I go?
What could life look like if I was able to work part-time somewhere closer and build this ministry? My day could look similar to what last week looked like. Maybe, God, Your plan is not nearly as dreadful as I believe on my worst days. Maybe, God, where You may be calling me is not nearly as awful as to what comes to mind in moments of anxiety. Maybe, God, if I had to leave the engineering job I love doing, this would still be okay even though it’s hard to believe that all the time.
Truthfully, this snow week was more eye-opening than I’d like to give God credit for. It challenged me by graciously pointing out where I desire to control. This was not limited to my occupation but also to hobbies. Though fitness and health are not nearly the idols they were, I got to be honest with you, it’s still a journey. There is a very fine line between a hobby and an idol. I faced a lot of fear when I came to the realization that I could not go to the gym. How am I going to get my steps in? How am I going to keep a low resting heart rate? How am I going to progress in strength? How am I going to burn enough calories off?
I was met with one simple phrase: Trust Me. It was as if God was saying, “Trust me. Find rest in Me. Trust that I am who I proclaimed to be: sovereign, mighty, powerful, wonderful, loving, all-knowing, gracious, kind, gentle, promise-keeping. Trust me, Kira. You are who I created you to be. You are not defined by your workout routine, caloric intake, or your deadlift max. Find your identity in the One who created you. I am The Lord, Your God.”
I did not count calories. I did not do an excessive amount of cardio. I rested. Now, this would be a lot cooler if I could say something like I was able to rest because I decided to let go, but in all honesty, I had to let go because I could not go anywhere. I did not give up control. It was taken from me. God works in mysterious ways. God knows my stubborn heart. Though I hate admitting it, I needed this week of snow. I needed to be trapped inside so I could face the things that were keeping me from pursuing God. I needed to be bored out of my mind to realize that I was getting lazy in my relationship with The Lord.
What I did not notice before is there were times where I was using the time to train as my time to cope. Taking out my problems by lifting heavier or sprinting more quickly rather than taking them to God. Now that I could not train, the only thing I could do was approach God. Jesus, please help me find rest in You. When I am weak, my strength is in You. When I am uncertain, scared, and worried, I am reminded that You are good regardless. You are my peace within this storm. Everything in this world falls short compared to You. You know my future and what is best for me.
Being trapped indoors ignited the passion that I have for Jesus. Since work was slow, I did not have to worry about the commute, and on top of that I was not going to the gym, so the only other thing I could do with this newfound free time was to learn, research, and write about Jesus. All I wanted to do what continually learn more about my Savior. All I cared about was sharing with the world who this Jesus is and why He changes everything. I was on fire for the gospel again. I was reminded of why I started writing and podcasting in the first place.
This passion that I was experiencing once again reminded me that this is what God wants me to do. This is what He placed in my heart. Do not get me wrong, I love engineering. Specifically, I love the current engineering job I’m doing. I love how comfortable I feel in this moment, but throughout last week I was reminded of the bigger story. I am called to chase God’s will whatever that looks like. Where He sends me, I will go, even if that means embracing what’s uncomfortable. My life is not about doing all the things I want to do, but rather, my life is for Jesus. All that I want to do is live the life that God calls me to and live in a way that points to Jesus. This life is not about me. It is about Jesus.
What today looks like could be much different from what four weeks from now looks like to what four months from now looks like, but maybe it is not nearly as scary as I paint it on my worst days. Maybe, like last week, though there will be change, though there will be obstacles, and though there will be many emotions, my God is still just as good. He still will work all things for good. He is able. That’s my Jesus. Trust Me is what He proclaims.
God, I trust you with my job. I trust you with my marriage. I trust you with my future. I trust you with all that I have. You are good regardless. You are for me. Though I have doubt, I am reminded that Your ways are higher than mine. Your plan is perfect for my purpose. You are who You are. This is the same Jesus as yesterday, today, and forevermore. I trust you, O’ Lord.