With my first quarter being over, as of right now, this was by far the most difficult academic quarter in my entire life. I can confidently say I have never worked so hard and for so long. To give you some perspective, there were numerous times in which I stayed on campus for around 12 hours a day to study, from about 8:30 am to 8:30 pm. I have never put so much into school. It’s almost embarrassing knowing that I put in so much and my grades are not going to reflect it.
To be fair, I haven’t gotten my final grades for the quarter yet, but from my performance in my classes and how I compare to the average, I am definitely below. Through this quarter my attitude shifted from, “I hope I can get good grades this quarter” to “I hope I can pass.” At this moment, I still don’t know if I passed all my classes or not, either way I’m sure you’ll know shortly after I find out.
As easy as it would be to just lash out and break down and just let all my thoughts and feelings out, and as much as I want to, I don’t think it would be smart. Do understand that I am having a really hard time dealing with the realistic possibility of failure. I am in so much pain and suffering right now.
But instead of lashing out, I want to break down three of the many things I have learned from this quarter.
1. I HAD WAY TOO MUCH PRIDE.
Ask anyone, I don’t think I was outwardly prideful, but throughout this first quarter, I learned that I had way too much pride coming in. I definitely thought I was all that coming in with good grades and two internships. It’s funny to think about that now. I look back and say, “Kira, you’re ridiculous. What were you thinking?” As soon as that first round of midterms came, it took all my pride with it too. It’s all gone now. Don’t worry though; it was much needed and something I needed to learn through experience. If it wasn’t for this tough quarter, who knows, I probably would’ve still been that prideful kid. That was a much needed lesson.
2. WITH ENOUGH HARD WORK, YOU STILL MIGHT FAIL.
Don’t get me wrong I did know this coming in, but I always assumed that it didn’t apply to me. I struggled and I was challenged in school, but I learned how much I needed to put in to get an A in the class. It was not the case this fall. Ask anyone who heard me talk about my first quarter, I did everything I possibly could. There was no such thing as work harder because I couldn’t. I worked as hard as I could and like I said, I still might fail. I finally learned that I’m not all that special. I can’t always win.
3. GOD ALWAYS ANSWERS AND SOMETIMES HE WILL SAY NO.
He knows so much more than me. His ways are so much greater than mine. As much as I want to do well in school and as much as I want certain things to happen to me, God might say, “No”, and I need to be okay with that. It’s hard, but He does know what’s best. Grades aren’t in, and as much as I want to pass my classes, He might say, “No.” He might say, “No.”
In short, this was an extremely difficult quarter. I learned a lot about myself and my worth. I don’t know what is going to happen between now and winter quarter and how my grades are going to turn out. It’s hard, so much harder than I have ever expected, but I am trying my best. At the end of the day at least I can say, I gave it everything I could have and I will do all that I can.
Not too long ago I heard a message by Pastor Rick Warren…which I will probably talk about in the near future. He spoke about how he learned everything from suffering. When God answers a prayer differently than how you want Him to answer, that is when your faith is really tried.
That’s where I’m at right now. My faith is being tried.
I don’t want to end on a sad note, but I do want to end with a verse, because as I am suffering, I know I’m not the only one. If nothing about this post was interesting or something worth memorizing, I hope this is.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5: 3-5