The day is nearly here. I can count it on my fingers. Our big move to North Carolina is no longer this unsettling notion that would take place in the distant weeks, but now it’s nearly here. My husband is almost home. We are quickly approaching our last few days in Washington, at least until God leads us somewhere else. God is sovereign and will do remarkable things through this move, watch and see. Jesus gets all the glory, forevermore.
I have not touched this blog in a while, mostly because I did not have the words to express what the last five months have looked like since Ben has been away. I still don’t. It feels like I’ve encountered every emotion under the sun. In 24 hours, it was not unusual to go from unshakable joy to indescribable confusion to gut-wrenching despair. I’ve walked with confidence and self-assurance to feeling like I’ve completely lost who I am days later. I could write an entire novel filled with the anxiety that has weighed on my body. There have been days when I could not get out of bed. I could write essays filled with the spiritual attacks I’ve confronted. I once feared that satan would physically knock on our apartment door. This has been the toughest season to date.
Two months. We’ve known about North Carolina for two months or so. Since that day, there has always been this gap in my thoughts and feelings about this upcoming change. There were my present thoughts and feelings and my future thoughts and feelings. Future-oriented me felt safe going to North Carolina. I knew God was sending us there for a reason. I was not concerned about our housing, money, work, or community situations because God would provide. He will give us all that we need. Of course, this does not imply a life filled with wealth, health, and prosperity, but this means God will give us what we need. Everything would work out. Jesus wins in the end after all. I knew we would be okay. There were no hesitations about what life would look like after the move. But because the future-oriented me knew that, in the present, I was uncomfortable and I was okay sitting in that discomfort. In the present, I was furious that we would have to move. I was nervous about leaving work and going through the chaos of finding a new job. I was in tears thinking about having to leave our family. As the gap between knowing we would need to move to the date of the move is closing in, I reflect on this all, and I finally feel some sense of peace.
It does not feel like the present-me is swimming against the current or running against the wind. It does not feel like I’m fighting anymore. There’s this sense of peace. The present-me is beginning to feel at peace. It’s like the future thoughts and feelings are turning into my present way of seeing this all, and it’s marvelous. It’s the moment I have been waiting for. The reality of this new adventure is finally settling in and it’s exciting.
All of this is a part of God’s magnificent plan for my husband and me. This is only the beginning. I have no idea what the next three years in North Carolina will hold, but I am confident that God will do extraordinary things through this. I am excited to watch our marriage grow through this. I cannot wait to see how we can honor and serve God in this new environment. It’s all in God’s hands.
Our last few days in Washington will be filled with the most challenging goodbyes, but for the first time, I am excited for this new chapter in our lives. Oh, for the places we will go, the people we will meet, and the opportunities there will be to point to the gospel. It is all part of God’s journey for us. Jesus gets all the praise forevermore. Washington, I love you. Thank you for being my home.
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