Within the last month, I’ve been enlightened. It turns out that I am far more selfish, arrogant, hypocritical, unkind, and frustrating than I thought. I can be rightfully unlovable which is an incredibly humbling reality. This is nothing you did not know but now I am beginning to see myself the way you may see me on my worst days.
It’s not a drill when married couples tell you that marriage opens your eyes to how selfish you truly are. No, not your spouse, you. I am far more selfish than I realized. I almost wonder if it is the same phenomenon that occurs when new parents see their creation outside of the womb for the first time. Staring into the eyes of their newborn baby, their definition of unconditional love has new meaning. As a Christian, there is greater meaning to this moment. These new parents receive a taste of the unwavering love God has for us. Though we do nothing to benefit Him, though we screw up constantly, and can be described as utterly unreasonable, there is nothing that can take away the love He has for us. We are His creation, made and given identity in Him alone. It’s these earthy mysteries that point to a greater meaning and His name is Jesus.
This reality of the sin that exists within me is quite humbling. To the people in my life who do not like me, have used not-so-nice words to describe me, or even have had the urge to run over me and then run over me again (kidding), I get it. I have a better perspective of how unlovable I can be. Honestly, I find it makes more sense to hate me than to choose to love me and then continue to choose to love me. That makes perfect sense in a culture that preaches to live your life based on what and how you feel. That makes perfect sense if you have spent more than five minutes talking to me.
As my imperfections have been exposed in my marriage, my groom still chooses to choose to love me which is something I find difficulty understanding. With my mood swings, it must feel like he’s married to seven different women sometimes, yet he stays true. He extends grace when I do not deserve it. He forgives me though I can be completely unlovable. He is gentle when he has every right to explode. He is patient when I am uncommunicative. He is kind when I can be smug.
It is always hours after I come to my senses and realize that I was and can be completely unlovable but even then, my husband loves me. It does not make any sense and I cannot understand it but even when I’m a mess and even in my brokenness, I am met with his lovingkindness. He’s not perfect but his love and actions point me to Jesus. This mystery is quite profound. It’s through my groom’s love for me that God’s unfathomable love is better revealed.
Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. He loves you more than you could ever imagine. He loves me in a way that does not make sense, but that is the gospel. Jesus loved us so much that He was nailed on the cross for our sins and it is through our faith in Him as The Lord of our life that we are promised eternity with Him. Jesus loves you so much more than you could ever imagine. The love that my husband has for me is merely a taste of the love Jesus has for me. The love that a parent has for their newborn baby is merely a tease of the love Jesus has for you. The mystery is quite profound but God loves you and Jesus loves the Church.
I was driving home from the gym when I cried out, “God how could you possibly love a sinner like me?” The weight of my mistakes felt heavy on my shoulders. God, who fully knows all of me, always fully loves me which is entirely illogical. “God, I am unlovable.” Even as a child, I was tempted with pride. I was proud to be the good kid who followed the rules. I rarely tried to disobey my parents. I saw myself as the kid every parent dreamed of, but little did I realize this would create an obstacle when trying to comprehend the love of God. As it turns out, I can be the biggest jerk on the planet. As it turns out, even with the tendency to follow the rules, I still mess up colossally. As it turns out, even with a deep and rooted love for Jesus, I still grieve God’s heart. As it turns out, I’m a sinner that seeks a Savior. There are times where I am the worst ambassador for Christ, yet His grace and love overflow. Marriage has and continues to expose the worst parts of my character, but in doing so, marriage has also revealed the faithful and unending love that God has for the entire world.
The unconditional love you think Jesus has for you is far greater than you could imagine. He loves me more than I understand. There is nothing you can do to separate yourself from the love of Jesus. In your sins, brokenness, and shortcomings, I promise He loves you. I know this because the Bible says so:
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Jesus loves you far more than you and I could process. We are created in God’s image and God The Father loves His children. May you cling to Jesus. Cling to Jesus. Cling to Jesus. May The Lord bless you and protect you; may The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; may The Lord look with favor on you and give you peace. Taste and see the love that cannot be found in this world but is found in Christ alone. Taste and see that The Lord is good and that He loves you far more than you could ever imagine.