Tormented by the devil.

Spiritual warfare is not one of the sexy topics in the church. In fact, it’s rather frightening, misunderstood, and easier to avoid. To church leaders and pastors, it’s tempting to want to share truths that leave followers of Christ encouraged, not paranoid, but spiritual warfare is real and needs to be spoken about. That’s a little church tip for you, friend, be mindful about the churches that only preach the messages that make you feel good. The Bible is the inspired word of God and all 31,102 verses matter, even the uncomfortable topics such as spiritual warfare. It was an excruciating earthly hell and I did not know how it was going to end. To my friend who is going through this right now, you are not alone. Let me share my story.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you. Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world. 1 Peter 5:6-9

At this point, we will assume that you know what spiritual warfare is. I will attach some helpful links at the bottom of this page so you can get all caught up to speed on this Christian lingo. The enemy comes to lie, mislead, and persuade. There’s a reason why Christians are so against doing what your heart tells you or solely trusting your mind. Read the book of Proverbs. Moreover, even my Darwinist friends know not to trust your mind. If we are doing all that we can to survive, our minds seek to survive not to stand in what’s true but that’s a story for another day. Let me continue.

It all started with the podcast.

Being excited and motivated by the evidence that exists such as the second law of thermodynamics, quotes from historians that hated Jesus, and archaeology, I wanted to share some of these mind-blowing findings with my audience. I have heard it time and time again that people do not have enough time to dig into the research so I thought it may be helpful to give the SparkNotes edition of the hours of content I had stored up in my brain. This style of evangelism has always been my favorite. What are we to do with the evidence? Deny it? Absolutely not!

With this mini-series I wanted to create on my podcast, I started to do a deep-dive on all of the topics, questions, and challenges I saw for and against Christianity. The last time I did this was in 2019 and so this reignited the wonder, awe, and loss of words I felt when I was first discovering what we know and do not know about this Jesus guy. Unlike the first time, as I was looking into the theories and questions of atheists and other non-Christ-followers, I had complete confidence in how to answer some of these respected and intelligent questions. Who created God? What about the multiverse theory? How can you say God exists when there is suffering? How do we know that the Bible isn’t one big myth? What if the body of Jesus was simply stolen? Don’t all religions point to the same God? These common “gotcha questions” did not feel like “gotcha questions”. From the research I had done, I knew how to answer them. Little did I know that this confidence would greatly bother the devil.

I underestimated his power.

Honestly, I do not remember much about the first spiritual attack. This may mostly be because I did not think it was anything more than “Kira being extra moody.” I remember feeling this deep and depressive sadness as my insecurities would shout at me. You’re worthless. You’re ugly. Your body is repulsive. You are a waste of space. I remember feeling unjust anger towards everyone. It was weeks before our wedding and I noticed myself frequently getting upset at my now-husband for no good reason except for the fact that I had this uncontrolled anger within me. I remember feeling hopeless as I would wake up the next day and realize that none of these feelings drifted away in my sleep, but instead the intensity grew overnight. I only began to piece it together as a spiritual attack as I saw this pattern emerge. I would feel like my normal self and experience my normal mood swings, then for two-four days I would be under attack as all of these feelings described were amplified, then I would record and post the podcast episode, and finally, I would return to my normal self for two-three days as I waited for the next attack. This went on for weeks.

Each spiritual attack was worse.

As the weeks went by, I slid more and more into hopelessness. My up-front prayers included more swear words than I’d like to admit and I began questioning God’s goodness. “My God, My God, How does this end?” Each hour felt like its own eternity as I could only hear the enemy’s thoughts. I knew they were of the devil because they were so clearly not my thoughts or feelings. They were not mine yet I could feel and think them. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, I knew these were not my thoughts and feelings. I could distinguish them yet I could not separate them. That is the only way I could describe it.

One time as I was driving home from my mom’s cycling class, I suddenly heard repeatedly, “You should kill yourself. You should just die.” These thoughts were not ones I genuinely had, but I could not make the voice stop. It followed me the entire car ride home. Another time this same thing happened but with greater intensity. After I parked, I remember sitting in my car for an unreasonably long time until I could stop shaking and crying uncontrollably. “My God, My God, How does this end? When will the enemy finally leave me alone?”

These were some of the most restless nights sometimes because these thoughts would keep me up for hours and other times because I could not stop crying. I have never questioned my self-worth more. I have never wanted to be with Jesus so badly. August 2021, except for the day I said “I do” to my very best friend, was by far the worst month of my entire life. I was under attack for more days than I was not.

Satan wants me to die.

I was and am a threat to Satan because I love and follow his greatest enemy: God. The devil will do everything that he can to lead us Christians away from God. The devil will do all that he can to convince us that the God of the Bible is not actually who God is. The enemy will do all that he can to convince us to love and follow the world. He’s been doing this since the beginning with Adam and Eve in the garden (Genesis 3). Christians, the more rooted we are in the truth, the more threatening we are to the enemy, yet when we’re rooted in truth, we know who we are as God’s kids. Cling to Scripture. Abide in Christ. Pray continuously. Cling. Abide. Pray.

When I was at these breaking points within each attack, I stupidly waited until I saw little to no hope to then reach out to my family and friends. Immediately I was covered with prayers and almost immediately I began to feel like myself again. People do not need to know what you’re going through to pray for you. Christian, ask for prayers. Surround yourself with people who will share the truth of the gospel with you. You are not alone.

This is not the end.

I have chosen to only partially share the thoughts and feelings I experienced when under attack. I lack the words able to describe the intensity and fear of it all. I remember ten days out from my beautiful wedding, I said these words to God, “It would be a miracle if I’m even alive in ten days.” I meant word of it.

Do not underestimate the devil, Christian, but know that your God is far more powerful. I stopped experiencing these vicious attacks the moment I got married and finished the mini-series. I couldn’t tell you which one was more of a threat to Satan, but this is not the end. I’m a threat as long as I love and follow God and this is not to say the enemy will not try to come back. He will, but my God is greater. Jesus wins in the end after all. That is why we can have complete confidence in God.

For although we live in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh, since the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. We demolish arguments and every proud thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ. And we are ready to punish any disobedience, once your obedience is complete. 2 Corinthians 10:3-6

Yet, I must also emphasize with you that not every hardship is necessarily a spiritual attack. Use discernment, Christian. Sometimes we face these challenges due to a fallen world filled with sin and sometimes because of our own sin. Use discernment and surround yourself with Christians that can do this with you. You are not alone.

There is a war and you are in it, Christian, but do not be afraid as Jesus is on your side. Put on the whole armor of God. Do not be afraid but be confident in your God, Christian. Cling. Abide. Pray. Jesus wins in the end.

 Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by his vast strength. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this darkness, against evil, spiritual forces in the heavens. 13 For this reason take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. 14 Stand, therefore, with truth like a belt around your waist, righteousness like armor on your chest, 15 and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace. 16 In every situation take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit—which is the word of God. 18 Pray at all times in the Spirit with every prayer and request, and stay alert with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints. 19 Pray also for me, that the message may be given to me when I open my mouth to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel. 20 For this I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I might be bold enough to speak about it as I should. Ephesians 6:10-20

Helpful resources to guide your biblical search

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