Letting Go & Finding My Worth

Allow me to preface this story with two main points:

1. This is not the mindset I have at all times
2. This doesn’t always make things easier

Sports were never my thing and music mattered, but my passion for it came and went. It mattered, but not enough that I could see a future as a musician. School, now that was something I was good at. Getting high grades wasn’t always easy, but with enough hard work, it was doable. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school where I finally put it together, hard work equals good grades. You aren’t happy with your grades, put more time in, work 2, 5, 10 times harder. I was unstoppable.

I was wrong. To those you have been following my journey, I’m not going to tell you the story again, but a quick recap might be helpful before I dive in. Recently, I read this tweet from a student at my university. He wrote about how he’s working 10 times harder than he ever did in high school & community college, and somehow his grades are getting worse. He felt my pain too.

My fall quarter was rough and academically I didn’t do well. I was miserable. For once, I was in the bottom half of my class. With the amount of exams I straight up failed, it’s a miracle how I managed to pass all my classes.

Truth be told, academically, I have no idea whether I’m going to do better or worse this quarter. If better, it’ll still be pretty close to how I did my fall quarter, GPA-wise. But here’s the thing, I am not nearly as miserable or stressed this quarter.

So what changed? Well, here’s the punch line you’ve been waiting for, I’ve let go and am finding my worth in something other than my grades. I still care about my grades as they are important for getting into my major. I still get upset when my effort doesn’t pay off when I see my test scores. I am still trying as hard as I can to do well. You see my grades matter, but I’m learning to let them matter less. I’m learning to not let that test score define me. Well, I’m doing the best I can. It’s still a work in progress.

It’s interesting because even though I may not be doing better academically, I’m doing really well spiritually. I have felt so incredibly close to God since the beginning of this quarter. I mentioned it in my previous post, but I have really grown in my faith. Suddenly, I feel inclined to lead in Christ. Any opportunity that involves growing in my faith and helping others grow in their faith, I’m on board.

• I’ve read my Bible every day since January 1st
• Through my Bible app, I’ve completed 40+ plans (I started using the app 9/2017)
• I am constantly praying for myself and others throughout the day
• Praying with people, out loud, feels comfortable and less “scary” like it once felt
• I want to lead a small group

These are just some of the many things I have done, thought and felt so far. My point isn’t to say that I’m amazing or that I am “more Christian” than you, him, or her. This isn’t about that. At the end of the day, I’m still a sinner. I’m imperfect and will never be perfect. I’m a broken person living in our broken world. This is a story about how I’m learning to find my worth in other things. I’m learning to find my worth in God.

Academically, things are really tough, just like last quarter, but I’m not nearly as miserable about it. Although it’s hard and frustrating, this quarter I’ve felt called to grow in my faith. I’m learning more and more every day about the importance of finding my worth in Him.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have any more bad days. This doesn’t mean I smile when I do below average on a midterm. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel worried about getting into my major. My friends, I still have really tough days. There are still times where I question God’s plan. There are still moments when I feel like I’m not good enough for this school. The difference is, it happens less. I’m so focused on growing in my faith and looking for opportunities to build a better relationship with Him, that sometimes it distracts me from the negative thoughts. Putting my worth in my grades happens a lot less.

Letting go and finding your worth in God isn’t the easiest thing in the world. As I mentioned, it is still a work in progress and I am not close to perfect at it whatsoever. That being said, I am beyond excited to see what other opportunities are presented in front of me as I am becoming a leader in Christ. Every day, it’s less about doing well academically and more about how to do better spiritually. My friends, this is only the beginning.

Alright, I’ll talk to you soon. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to learn more about me. I appreciate it.

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen.

Romans 11:36