I debated whether I should title this “All Eyes on Me / Part 4”, but I felt like I needed to change it up.
Before we dive into my story, let me quickly recap what has been going on and what I’ve been feeling. Again, I do apologize that this is not the happiest post, but if there is anything to take away, it’s hope, faith and learning to be content.
School is incredibly hard. Engineering feels impossible. Throughout my whole life I’ve always felt pretty good at school, but to be honest, this school is tearing me apart. My confidence, pride, self-esteem and ego have all been stripped. It’s a very weird feeling. All of the sudden the “I’m not good enough” thoughts appear more often than they ever have. Suddenly, I’m ten times more overwhelmed. I cry more often and I have a harder time trusting in Him. It is hard and I don’t mean to sound super negative, but it’s difficult going to this school, not doing well in my classes and still being able to look to Him and know that I’ll be okay.
In my heart I know I’ll be okay. In my heart I know that no matter what this does not change His plans for me. In my heart I know it will work out, but my brain can’t wrap itself around that thought. It’s hard. It’s been a journey.
Within the last few days I had an interesting realization and I am so glad I waited an extra few days before posting this. It’s not that I don’t trust God. It’s not that I don’t believe I’ll be okay. I know He has a plan for me, but I think what scares me most is that His plan might not be my plan and my plan might not be His plan.
It’s a somewhat obvious statement, but definitely overlooked.
Ultimately, I need to understand that even though I feel like my plan for myself is right, there are times where I am completely wrong. There are times where His plan matches up nicely with what I think is best, but I need to be content during the times where it doesn’t match up.
Even though I am still having a hard time, even though I am not okay, even though I question my academic abilities & future, God’s got me. He has a plan and I have a purpose.
With that being said, here is a much needed prayer:
Dear God, you are wonderful. You are mighty. You are powerful. God, I need you. I am having a hard time right now with school and adjusting. I do appreciate all the support I have been getting from my family and friends; thank you for providing such amazing people in my life.
As much as I like to think I know what’s best, I don’t and I need to understand that. Lord, please help me understand that. Ultimately, I want to want your will. That is the theme for this prayer. I want to want your will, whatever that means.
Please help me with that God. You know so much more than me. Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts and Your ways are higher than my ways. God, please help me see that. I trust you, but sometimes it’s hard with everything that has been going on right now. I know you’re here though. You’re right next to be.
I am here Lord. I am here to follow Your plan and figure out my purpose. The goal is to put all of my trust in You and to be content with whatever happens. Please help me work on that.
You know what’s best and I am here to trust you. It will be hard, but I want to put all my thoughts and activities to the side and follow You. I pray for and to be content with Your will. At the end of the day, thy will be done.
I’ve talked a lot about my struggles, but I don’t know what you are going through. That being said, maybe you can relate to what I am going through. It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. Let me end with these verses as we continue on with this crazy journey through faith & grace.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18