All Eyes on Me / Part 3

This isn’t a fun post. This isn’t a happy post. This is an incredibly hard topic to talk about.

If you want to hear something fun or positive, come back when I post again, but for now, I think it’s important that I talk about this.

Before I start, let me be clear. I’m not telling you this story because I want you to feel bad for me. I’m not telling you this story because I want attention. In my first post, I told you that I was going to be completely honest with you and that means talking about the things I don’t want to talk about. This is me opening up to you all and here it goes.

I’m having a hard time adjusting. I am beyond stressed and overwhelmed. I’m scared.

This isn’t about my new living situation, the clubs, or the events, but solely about the academic side of the University of Washington.

You see, high school was different. Community college was different. In high school and community college, you are surrounded with people from all sorts of different academic backgrounds. From my experience so far, everyone here at the University of Washington is incredibly smart and insanely hard-working, at least from what I have seen and heard.

I’m having a hard time adjusting.

Being surrounded by these crazy intelligent people is a scary thought for me, especially going to a school where my grades are based off of everyone else’s grades. They say, “As long as you do better than the average, you’ll be fine,” but how can I do better than the average, if I’m at a school with people who are just like me (and/or even better), academically and work-ethic-wise.

I am beyond stressed and overwhelmed.

My desire to become a mechanical engineer leads me to putting way too much pressure on myself. Not only do I need to do well in my individual classes, but I also need to apply to my major. I want to believe I have a shot at getting in, but it is hard to see it sometimes, especially since it’s a very competitive major. There are so many amazing students here that deserve to get accepted into the ME program, so why would they choose me?

I’m scared.

As a current or previous college student, maybe you can relate. I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying my best. I’m working so much harder. It’s not even week three and my sleep schedule is already not great. I want to so badly get into my department. I want to do well. I want to believe that I am smart enough and hard-working enough for this. I’m giving it all I got, but it might not even be enough. I’m scared. I’m so scared.

Maybe you’re thinking either one of or maybe all three things while you’re reading this:

You’re complaining about this? This is nothing compared to what I’m/someone else is going through
I get what you’re saying and it’ll be just fine
Where is God in this situation?

You’re right. You’re absolutely right. People are going through worse right now. You could be going through something much worse than me and I’m sorry you are. Maybe you’re right, maybe I shouldn’t complain about this. I get it. Listen, I’m grateful I’m here. I’m happy that I got into such an amazing university. I am blessed to even be able to attend a college. You’re right though; people are going through worse. And again, this is not my way of trying to get attention and I’m not doing this for you to feel sorry for me. All this is is a story, my friend.

I will be fine. I’ll be okay. On my “better” days it’s really clear to me, but it’s hard sometimes, especially coming out of a class and I’m feeling lost, confused, and not good enough. You’re right too though. I’ll be fine. Thank you.

He’s here. He’s right by me. As often as I feel alone, I need to remind myself that He’s right by me. I’ve been praying a lot. I’ve been reading my Bible a lot more often. I constantly recite Isaiah 55:8-9 every time I am feeling worried. It really depends on the day though. It feels like I am constantly taking steps forward and backward. I know He’s here, but it’s hard to always feel like He’s here. (I’ll elaborate more on this; stay tuned).

And there you have it, those are the thoughts and feelings I am struggling with at the moment, at least the simplified version of it. Again, I do apologize that this is not the happiest post. I wish I could have a better mindset during this time of adversity, but I’m having a really difficult time.

Thank you for reading and listening. At the end of the day, you have your own opinions and thoughts about what you have just read which is completely fine, but thank you for taking these few minutes to learn more about my life and my current struggles.

I’m not giving up. Yes, this is an incredibly difficult time for me, but I am not giving up. I am going to live through faith & grace. Watch me.